do you ever feel like the only way you manage to do hard things and get through difficult situations is when there is no other way out? I feel like the only way i can improve and change and achieve something is when life goes to shit and i don’t have any other chance. That doing hard things, grinding, striving, is something i can only do when i run out of options?

So now i’m just waiting for shit to hit the fan, to force me to move, to force me to change, to push me out of my comfort zone, maybe to traumatize me, to make me think about killing myself again, so that i have something to struggle against.

I can’t have two days of freedom without getting depressed for no reason at all. What is wrong with me?