laniaakea:

although they say you should never trust anything you think after the sun has set, i still think i’m right. I’m so good at making up bullshit that makes people believe that living is worth it, and that it is worth it to do good, and that someone cares, even if you can’t see it. Damn, i’ve become so good at making that shit up that sometimes i feel like i could even convince myself. That there is beauty in the pursuit of knowledge, that it’s worth it to try to understand and that we should be delighted by the fact that the universe has grown a piece that curled back on itself, that tries to understand itself, which is humanity. And that we should care about that, and that we should keep at it and protect this reality we have created, and make it better for ourselves and our future. But i know it doesn’t fucking matter, right? And i feel bad for trying to believe it does. I believe in the existence of truth, even though it may be too complex to be understood by a human, I believe it’s a thing. Isn’t that one kind of faith in and of itself? It’s just as fucking stupid to believe in the existence of truth, as it is to believe in god. It’s just that people who believe in truth keep finding excuses and trying to prove shit. It’s even more fake than believing in a higher power. At least, there, they’re outright saying it: there’s nothing more to it than faith. I’m having a bit of an existential crisis here

I could be an excellent roman catholic priest, if only i was male. oh i’d write really good fucking homilies. It was always my fave part of service, cause i would argue against what the priest was saying in my head, coming up with different interpretations and shit. It wasn’t too boring, going to church when i was little.

Now most of the time i can see through the bullshit so well that it’s boring. But i do still go to church sometimes, even if i don’t believe. It’s interesting, and it kind of feels like being part of a community.

Nobody knows i do it. I am an atheist, for fuck’s sake